Day 4

(A note from the protagonist-

I don’t think that I’ll be able to write today and it’s skeptic to see where the experiment is going as there were certain jeopardy in the previous article, the juggling between I and he was evident yesterday, slowly but rapidly I could see I escalating over the narrator, draining all the hopes and preparations for the day, depriving a deserved smile, as I is devastating and painful to look over I’ll try the extent I can go and will see how much progress the experiment has really been)

Today I don’t have much to write as it was a pretty dull day a morbid one for sure and very less too take out as if the nectar has magically disappeared, the problem of element x could be felt uprising today however when I see Kshitij now he just doesn’t take much interest and the same could have been seen declining from the counterpart according to the theory and algorithms of the care he once received, mind was trciked suppossing to see a sense of fear and affection yet guess the bar has been higher than expected for a person that has been tremendously changed.

As usual and expected Kshitij woke late as it’s been evident that the biological clock is now reset to this downfall routine because Kshitij didn’t set any alarms for the morning and even without that screeching cacophony he woke up at 11.30 not more not less, wonder how our body gets used to certain habits and deviations they say it takes 21 days to form a habit yet according to my opinion it takes fairly less, maybe 4 or 5 days is enough to shape you in a new routine specially when it’s related to procrastination or laziness, when you have lost hopes and have decided to give up it just takes a fraction of second and exactly their you are.... why everything that tastes bad is nutritious or why any habit that doesn’t fit even the list of decent is so easy to attain giving an underdeveloped and unfulfilling mindset.

Did saw Kshitij wait for bus but found a traveller instead, don’t worry the fair was rs 15 only but more comfortable in certain ways. Did saw driver stopping the vehicle for a second he went and brought a cucumber also sharing with his travelling partner, but he ate that raw even without peeling and it seemed wired to me, as I have never eaten it that way but they seemed unharmed and unaffected by the bitterness it might have, they also didn’t washed it, not like I’m a hygiene freak yet sometimes I wonder that why the chain smokers hardly die of cancer instead the person who has never even touched it acquires it so quickly and gradually falls into mimiserability, being dependent and depressed. So should we enjoy or keep continue taking precautions from our side, I don’t know the answer except uncertainty is the name of living, yet never leave any certainty for the sake of it, my mother always used to say this.

I haven’t talked with her from several days now did tried to but it all went in vain, wish they’re fine as my parents are recently in Mumbai for verifying the further reports of my father’s cancer treatment, it has been a tough time for our family, for all of us, it has affected us emotionally, physically, financially and belongingly, sometimes I wonder if I could have been with them, it’s not like I could have visited earlier it’s just I feared of the person I have been becoming I fear showcasing that Kshitij.

Kshitij was tensed the whole day and I could see that in his eyes the mirror of our souls, specially the souls who intently decides to starve and stay hungry. Monks do starve to death being part of a ritual, and I guess Kshitij also wishes to be a part of that,  just to feel that hallucination. You know Kshitij has starved before and for a lot many timesin reality, specially at times of utter loneliness it gives you a feeling closer to your ohysical being, closer to your body, to starve brings you close to you slowly, your head will start paining, your eyes will start losing sight, your strength will decreasse as the muscle weakens, the load of your hands and legs could be felt declining it’s a feel of being high like being drunk or inhaling fresh green weeds.

Had an Indian version of milkshake called lassi for lunch told stories of vague novels whom I have read drew the cryptax as I always do, breathed or just inhaled, it was just another day of nothingness, maybe nothingness would be so proud today as it was the best day for it, a victory unclaimed as I congratulate it. Faced only defeat even while playing the game of table tennis, couldn’t even go to meet the friends who just faced rejection as it could have felt better talking to someone, couldn’t even talk to my parents as the cellular network betrayed today, my grandmother didn’t picked the call and my nanaji (maternal grandfather) had to attend guests, it feels pity to beg relatives for a better job offer, one they tend to avoid, I really need a friend in life, sometimes guess we all do, none of them even arrived at “office” today, though did have a unmeaningful conversation with known strangers, but truthfully... after losing the words from element x and just letting her go I do feel a void and maybe some voids are just never meant to be filled, we just get used to it.

I bow to nothingness today and even congratulate for this unanimous victory, leaving me so bankrupt that I can’t even go out and have dinner with my roommates.

Life can be depressing and guess fiction at times can be far far better then reality

By- Kshitij Sinha

24/8/2018