Morning Pages

 

The incessant refutal of negation has lead to kindle rhetoric oxymoron

I recently came across this concept called as a morning paper, so what it is a morning paper? Indeed a curious question to ask, well as the same suggests you take up it as a challenge and then it becomes your friend to whom you share your blockings your thoughts your desires and an inmate intimacy of mindfulness. Sometimes I wonder what if I was born in Prague Zurich Amsterdam or a place so joyous, I wonder how the life would have been would I have been in the same place as I’m now?

In my dreams I have imagined myself sailing, swimming diving and exploring I smile and I’m in that perfect picture frame as they call it’s picturesque it’s spelndind and it’s spellbounding it’s free from vulnerability and it has all that ever matters it has me, it in that utopia in that perfect world somehow I’m always alone you may ask Dear that it’s an imagination after all I can put anyone next to me, a happy soul who looks upto you with proud and captivating eyes a smile and two arms around albeit this could be what I have always desired, I imagine autumn I imagine sea I imagine narrow pathways of neverland and there is me, only me with all his vulnerabilities and weakness the true me alone, void yet calm and happy. Isn’t it what they say Happiness is only real when shared it’s said that we humans are social animals and we need people around making us complete. I see myself and I ask and question about the seclusion I have build around myself. I detach in an instant and it’s so difficult to ever attach, I interact I converse I listen and endlessly I express yet as the dawn shifts towards dusk I see that charade has left no impact I’m what I was in the morning with no strings attached. It has lead me to a disability it has directed me towards a curse which I knew that always existed but have knowingly acknowledged but not accepted. I’m not capable of forming relationships or to form emotional bonds, I’m disabled and I’m a singularity, I expand and I chase the origin only to fail in a multiverse of abnormality. I study people and I have realized I’m not one of them I disappoint and I fail to express affection, love or even anger. It’s not true and I don’t know what emotions are or rather that I don’t feel them I do and I understand I empathaize and then I move on whatever I try I can’t hold on to it. I wonder if there’s a term for people like me I wonder if there’s a diagnostic to this cryptic simplicity. It’s so unfair when people love and dearly care for you but you can’t reciprocate, I wonder if there’s a way to be normal like everyone else. To be that ideal enigma, a person who feels and expresses one who cares, cries and betrays. I don’t remember the last time I had shed tears, cried or even have cared for that instance.

I’m sure science must have answers of what I seek, should I meet someone who understands? A therapist maybe, or as thy say mediatation helps to calm your brain but somehow my brain never has multiple thoughts running it’s stressed with a burden, the burden to be normal yet it’s always calm so could be I need running thoughts to make me like everyone else, there are a lot of answers that I have to seek, maybe I have to stop being selfish and precisely be more selfless.

Still there’s a question that lingers, sits and drinks his black coffe peers deep into my eyes and asks…Do you really want to put people or rather as I say variables into the equation making it more complex, perplex and delusional..Do I really need people to validate?

Do I really want to be normal, where all I have ever chosen desired and anticipated is different…Do I really want to be like everyone else?

 

By- Kshitij Sinha
18/05/2021

Wonder with what alliteration I’ll start today or rather I should start by asking questions from myself, were there things that I could have done better and are there things where I should be more patient. Life has been stagnant for quite some time and there were days where I could have had things differently. I see Lewis Hamilton in formulae one he’s very dedicated and competitive he’s a 7 times world champion it isn’t an easy feet to achieve people say that’s because of the fast car he has still the deciation and focus he present’s to the sport is unpreceended, F1 is a different sport it requires a prestine discipline and an unfathomable focus a single oversteer and you’re out plus it’s not a single man sport there goes a lot in research, your car is your partner and it has to support you the way you do, there’s a team entirely of stratregy there’s pit and there’s crew responsible to elevate you and with a single weakling the whole process is shattered. Lewis is modest humble and he says “Still Rising” isn’t everyday is a race in itself a place where you have to rise and to become a better version of you then you were yesterday. I see Max Verstappen the team and the racer I support, he’s extremely talented and aggressive towards his sport he’s determined and if he’s there you know he’s someone you can rely on someone whose gonna give the best infact both are equal in that way, yet Hamilton is mature given an opportunity he’ll trust the process he’ll absord the setback and he’ll rise, he’ll let the game play and he’ll trust himself and when the opponent is weak he’ll strike back, Max on the other hand will strike given the first opportunity he’ll just charge and he’ll bring into that position where if you’re not willing to descalate or if you’re not pushing the brake, leaving the throttle both of them will be crashed as he doesn’t gives up. This is something that makes this rivalry so impressive as they trust their discipline and they’re so dedicated that they understand each other. Yesterday the race was at prestigious Monaoco the monti carlo of narrow lanes and the circuit of precision. The whole weekend was a rollercoaster as one can say the qualifying in moanco is  the extremely important part of the race since overtaking in Monaco is least of the possibilities and it’s something that makes the race so impressive and differentiates it with everyone else. The qualifying was compromised by the Pole and crash of Charles Lecrec, yet the racer couldn’t even race due to the gearbox issue, the team took a gamble and they were penalized. One of the things that Formulae 1 teaches us is that the risk should always be calculated and measured you can’t rely on probability and luck here it has to be well thought out planned and executed. Charles must have been gutted. He’s a positive and gifted driver he’ll shine and he’ll have his redemption. The thing that caught my attention was the start of the race as Charles absence has actually created a void since Max was second and valteri being third has an empty place in front of  him a staright line both of them had equal positional pole Max ahead with outside line and bottas with inside line, the one who’ll take this lead will be leading throughout it was something that was understood. The thing that caught my attention was the clarity Max had from the moment lights started flashing he has his car and wheels locked and targeted at right, he knew where he had to go and what place to overtake. It was lights out and away we go with Bottas having a better start but as the determination of Max he turned ahead of him confidence and aggression Valteri has to back off and there we had our leader. Precision, accuracy, strategy, dominance and composed was his drive…The champion of Monaco.

Valteri has to retire because the threading of nuts in his weak betrayed him, such a trivial part costed over several million dollar car, Hamilton also got beaten by strtregy in Portimao that brought him victory and in Monaco have him betrayed his poor quali was of no help and he has to settle him somewhere where he couldn’t have himself imagined the best car the world champion driver had himself tied in this exquisite circuit, something that can happen only in Monaco.

I plan things but I hardly execute them, I build expectations and thinks that will have everything with ease. I feel I’ll be seamlessly accepted my call answered and my words flowing through the whirlpools. Yet time has me tested and I was to face several setbacks. So what should I learn…Persistency and focus has answer to things and even if they don’t they guide you, they hold you like a ciggarate they accept you and even if things aren’t going accordingly….You Still Rise

 

By- Kshitij Sinha

24/05/2021

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a cold morning today, My eyes had oened early yet I procrastinated and chose to sleep even further, I found a difference though today that unlike the previous time’s I wasn’t just dozed off for hours I was just lying there with my eyes closed in an hibernation and within an hour or somewhere between an half and an hour I was awake sliding in the corner looking at the mirror. My pain in the right shoulder wasn’t that imminent and I was feeling my arm even more. Then suddenly I started checking my phone, there wasn’t anything no message no notification and for a brief instance I felt a bleak of emptiness, like my existance has to be doubted. Specially I met this person online and she’s a different case study a wired analogy, she’s preety hard to understand or rather say one of the first such persons I have met or not even met personally just in this virtual world. She’s very moody and adamant it’s tough to understand her, she replies after hours and she’ll forget all of my initial text and thinks an emoji is the answer, she does shares things about herself but in a very reserved and unpredictable way, she never asks anything about me and yet I like talking to her. It’s like a pull she has or could  be this subtle mystery that she carries is something I could never get enough of. I want to understand her more I want to talk to her I want to feel her and I want to be that comfort to her which she doesn’t even sees. Sometimes she sends me pictures of hers in a rare event. So balanced and poised.

Her hairs are always arranged with calmness her eyes so subtle and precise, her lips I wish to kiss at every instant…those are irresistible, her posture is always elegant and around her she carries a charm which is so sophisticated. I feel touching and holding her I know it sounds desperate and creep especially for someone whose last relationship ended like more then two years ago and had never filled any senses till then, I can undertand that these thoughts are desperate and maybe they’re but I have no intention of hiding them anymore. Specially with you Moavi when you’re the one who knows everything wether in form of the morning pages or in the form of that imminent companion. She’s elder to me as well and that’s the criteria I has always looked for and admired, I have always wanted to be in a relationship with someone elder to me more mature to me, I have a feel that I connect with that maturity. She stays alone and that’s something so complelling I respect that thought and she’s been staying like that for the past 4 years and I’ll tell you that’s not easy you have to have a nerve of steel a sense of everlasting detachment and a pinch of narcissism where you have that power without any intimate restrictions. She cooks very well and all those pictures have always been utterly delicious.

In her bio which as I’m unmatched currently can’t read anymore but I remember a thing that cought my attention…She said “it’s hard to love me and I’m very moody but when I love someone I know it then as it’s an undying feeling”

She has no interest in me, she doesn’t talks much, she hardly replies and I don’t think I have ever loved someone except an exception which I couldn’t figure out. Yet I feel wiredly attracted to her I think if we’ll ever meet or talk it’ll be very awkward and ambiguous…But somehow I want to be that person to her, that person for whom she has that undying incessant feeling.

 

By – Kshitij Sinha

29/05/2021