Never meant to be written - The last time I cried

The Last Time I Cried

What to say about this question maybe one of the things that’s hard to reply or frame into words but I would rather say that crying has always been a hard thing for me I know I’m not a strong man neither physically nor mentally but marks of time created a shell and whenever something happens something fearful scare full or even hopeful this shell imbibes me in it, although it’s the opposite I’ve always wanted. I have always had desired to cry the loudest with tears gushing like flood and pain flowing like words and to let the whole world know this is who I’m weak the word I hated the most, lonely the truth for which I did everything to escape, scared not by anything else but by the reflection they show in mirrors shallow depth in eyes dried lips rough cheeks and stains of lament kiss like I’m becoming the man I have always ran from. Although I can lie from everyone even from truth but the alphabets and my trembling hands are involuntary no medication can ever cure it. Just saw the word silhouette and the vague meaning said an illustrated outline filled in with solid colors usually black without revealing other visual details .So be it like the eternal poetry and vision of every unplanned trips to search for a moment getting frizzed in time and living forever and that’s always been the thought to make things immortal. A silhouette taking shape filled with vibrant colors.

Someone told me that when I was born I didn’t cried a lot just enough to realize I can speak and with an accent to describe I’m thirsty.

Recently I was just walking jumbled with the openings , traps gambits and moves with the opponent inside and to my astonishment I found someone ,someone I spend days to search someone who just listens and never complains, He came rushing towards with tongue outside paws on my knees and a tail juggling like rhyme still white as snow and that’s what I call him snow pink nose as roses ready to bloom and fur like streamline fish scaling the ocean with a spark in his eyes like diamonds came back to life and so was I filled with zeal time froze and euphoria was passing by. I bent to him and said snow my dear how’s  you and he just shriveled his whole body next to mine putting his head on my lap and I saw tears in his eyes . Ushering several emotions see feelings something you can never rely on. And I felt like if a dog can have this much sense vigor than why I can’t I , I tried but I just couldn’t cry.

I fell from wall landed on ground thousands of time the place maybe different even the medium can vary but the impact lasted lifetime I felt a lot of pain increased several times I shouted but I didn’t cried.

My sister got married she was leaving and I gave a sharp look to everyone present they’ll were mourning with tears like rain sprinkling with a shy even I tried the hardest like forcing air into a vessel but I failed I just couldn’t cry so I said her bye and in a glimpse I very easily smiled maybe it was awkward or even a wired thing to do faux pass as they say even she was astonished but at least that was real and in reply she peeked at me back absorbed her tears and smiled.

There’s always been time of my midnight despair wishing just to grant me a person who’ll hold my hand although I have imagined the warmth rushing through my cold trembling hands even for that I tried but just couldn’t cry so instead I have always tried to smile.

I still remember the day seating in the train peeking through the window my parents were standing aside just in front of my eyes although I knew I was going on an aisle not knowing what twist and turns it’ll take and even if I’ll be able to survive. I could see tears in their eyes the train started to move and the distance between us gradually increased like the simple laws of physics I never understood and as they left my hand it just gushed like a waterfall and to be truthful I should not even be mentioning but it’s the pettiest sight to see like the last thing you would desire your parents to see .Maybe they saw something felt something but I couldn’t cry even the strangers seating in front of me had their eyes moist but I just couldn’t cry . I do always wish if I could recreate that moment but I just couldn’t cry so instead I smiled.

Till now if you’re reading it than maybe we can travel a little more

It’s clear that for me it has always been hard to blend in to be like a normal human being to make friends crack jokes it has always been a leisure like bread and butter to poor .In beginning of my college days I used to see a very strange thing I actually never thought nostalgia could be real. for me it was part of a normal world fantasy .I could see my potential friends or rather say colleagues as we were about to be grinded in the professional environment they all used to shed tears mourn like a child where I don’t even used to pick my calls they instead talked for hours and hours describing even the smallest details but for me everything was like a foreign movie without subtitles whatever I tried I couldn’t understand it. Still in the night I saw every single one of them in a pain I never felt they all cried and I just couldn’t.

So I smiled every night standing in front of the lumen moon I smiled at her and she smiled back although seldom a night arrives when there wasn’t any smile to reflect back but that’s the least I can do for her.

You see smile is not the thing I’ve wanted , To smile is something I didn’t choose but it was the only door which embraced me as even tears have left my side. Guess sometimes it’s better to live in fiction, sometimes it’s better to dream than being awake

Still something highly unusual happened something I feared it will like a prophecy it came true and this has what kept me wondering every night maybe the reason I can’t stop or even sleep something appeared something I never thought there even was.

I remember coming home and this time having a seat of my own as they say it’s better to be king in hell than a servant in heaven. And like every other journey I couldn’t sleep yet I was feeling the train keeping its momentum changing tracks and talking with winds seldom we were greeted by other passers they all have hundreds of questions on their face and the journey kept lying thousands of answers to them didn’t know where they were going or even coming from neither I judged them nor they did still there was a word that kept us united we all were passengers ready to tryst with destiny.

Till now a little want turned into a desire and desire into urge. I was thirsty and I couldn’t find water. I looked everywhere just for a trace of water a sip of tasteless, colorless substance I was dying for just like a dolphin drawn away from sea like a vapor with nowhere to flee and a vision with no one to see dark as per the extent of sight I guess it’s thirst that was going to take my life.

Water, water, water every sense every organ every cell was begging, begging for mercy from all the grotesque hideous crimes a cry for mercy from the menace cold yet broken heart.

I cried like a child seeing the world for the first time. I cried like a rain falling from a clear sky, Oh god I still shiver when I imagine that night although not a single voice was produced by my vocals still it was the roar of a coward lion. I was weeping as the point of break finally arrived my burden was heavy and it took it’s time leaving behind formidable marks and scars penetrating deep inside. I have fooled myself for a great long period of time. I searched for some happy moments even PETRONAS requires a source to drive but I knew the box was always void. Tears kept falling like I was thrown naked and as far as I could see even truth was a lie.

I cried the whole night tears kept gushing and an ache emerged from shrine dyeing to hold anyone just to absorb each breath passing by wishing to be accepted as what I’m a pair of fingers sliding through the gaps of my life making them bold to withstand the thirst that has gone wild.

That night I wish no one has ever to see, that night that moment I always wanted to be erased from mankind. As that night there wasn’t any bold skinny shy boy. That night I saw a demon so weak even to stand by.

The funny part is once I told a bit about it to my mother and she grinned and replied that no doubt the first thing you said after arriving was water.

By- Kshitij Sinha

15/10/2016