Never Meant To Be Written- The memoir of lucid life

I wish I could go to beach again sit in front of the water the mighty sea and just wait for the sun rising from within like a god spreading his rays to anyone willing to embrace it. I wish I could walk by the sea like nobody with no one to disturb just me and all the sacred powers and cherishing the infinite poetic lines cruising all over my mind which may have left me for long but it’s only mutually that we survive . And just that I won’t smile  I won’t cry will just sit , maybe some tears will pass my rough cheeks never caressed by anything alive but I won’t fear and look around with nothing to hide . I won’t think of pain the world has given to me or question what I deserved or what I draw from life instead I would say it was nice passing by.
On the contrary I have always wished to be a vibrant extrovert who grins and the world follows with extravagant speeches and thousand ears to capture it like a hymn. I guess I was never in anyone’s attention neither I was a ghost either and that’s exactly where the problem arrives as neither you can go ahead and neither you can draw back from the line congratulations you too are in middle now , just like a product with no one to buy. I have always wanted to be surrounded by people, and have always admired as they stay in groups they crack jokes make mockery of themselves they run they fight and sometimes I guess they even cried like something I always desired whatever they do I always find a mystery some sort of positive aura which I searched in mirrors hollowed in mountains and layered in stars but could never find. Guess it’s a luxury I may never possess in my life. Recently I went back to time to my birthplace after several years and I’ll confess that I never liked it never. It’s always the same like nothing’s ever changed they are preserved like a monument always like history incomplete, at most of the places it don’t even have street lights but still it possesses fire flies the air the water the ambiance I never liked it and have always been in hurry to return but apart from all the flaws I have always felt it to be mine don’t know how to express but guess maybe too much hate is also dangerous. I even met a lot of beautiful peoples lately places where I’m at least not invisible my family my brothers sleeping in my sisters lap and sharing secrets that only you do and it feels proud to be part of that wonderful tree placed on a special place like for a special purpose with a lot of empty pages to be fulfilled.
Meanwhile I don’t even realized that my birthday also passed by adding another number to the age like a loop which keeps repeating and every year sitting on the same bench again and again even without asking why . The only question that don’t even require a question mark to end. I accept that most of the times I failed trying to keep everyone happy but guess failures are required sometimes to fall is just another way to rise isn’t it and guess I’m even some what used to it.
I wish I could never feel the pain, I wish I’m at least not alone to witness all those horrible dreams. I do wish to see someone next to me holding my hands] and I even wish to wish more than anyone could possibly do and try my best to fulfill them. Maybe I do have a long wish list but at least the next time I’ll wish it won’t be any wish It’ll be an image a live image of myself sitting next to that beach in front of that sun with everyone looking towards me with admiration pride and a smile on my lips enough to be seen and felled, than only I’ll realize how it is to be alive how it is to shine and how it is to go beyond the horizon.

“As I say even too much isolation is dangerous 

By- Kshitij Sinha
31/7/2016

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